This journal entry in dedicated to Niesha Haws.
Special thanks to my friend who helped me come to the realization that I need to be more public about this so that I can feel better (that wasn't my friends direct words, but it got me thinking).
Niesha and I met in Utah after I moved there in 2005. We instantly fell in love and got engaged.
She was my first fiancé.
I lived in Salt Lake City, Utah at the time and she lived in Provo.
I would take the trax to Provo to go see her. The first time we kissed was on the 5th floor of a BYU building while we were looking out the window. a couple days later, I gave her a ring. We didn't date long. I moved to a small house with a yard in a town called Springville. It was just south of Provo.
She came to visit a couple times and we had a disagreement. We broke things off for a while. I saw her again one day while I was running along the river-trail. We met up and I went to her place. She didn't have a phone number at the time, so I got her address. I sent her a love letter telling her that I was sorry and that I would love to get back together. She never got the letter, because she was found in a field with a gun in her hand after she committed suicide.
I went to the funeral and afterwards. The bishop who was speaking had a strong inspiration to tell everyone that Niesha made it to heaven and was not condemned, because of her suicide. I felt like those words were meant for me, because I was about to make that same thing happen to me. I couldn't contain myself. I cried so hard on her sisters shoulder! I was invited to dinner a couple times with her sister. They were nice. I ended up going to a clinic, so that I wound't go through the same fate. I stayed there for 6 months.
The time it takes to heal from that is a lifetime. I still have feelings that if I break it off with someone, wether it be a friendship or more, that they will end up dying over it. It occupies about 20% of my thoughts when it comes to people in my life. I have been to trauma therapy and practice thoughts of distraction when I get overwhelmed. It helps.
It is now May 28th 2021. It has been fourteen years since then. It haunts me to this day. I hope that someday those guilty thoughts and sadness will turn to peace and tranquility. I hope that someday I can be the person I want to be and also know that there is only a small percentage of people that go through with suicide. I try to protect myself by not being around those who might have similar tendencies, but I believe that I just need to let go! - to not worry about it - to let others live their lives intertwined with mine without the thought of them leaving this Earth. That would be my wish through all of this, and I hope that I can harbor those good-willed thoughts completely.
With that I say thank you for reading!
Sincerely,
Russel H.
